I was excited for the day that was to be my wedding day, thinking of make-up artistes, my nails and other vain stuff, when I got a news that shook me to the core. Didn’t know I had so much tears in me. If anyone had told me something like that would happen to me this year, I would have scrunched my nose at them-my dad was going to live forever. Nothing you tell me could have changed that.
It’s been almost six months since he left and some mornings I wake up in tears. Other days, I wake up sad. While some, I remember the conversations we had and I’m pumped. It’s not getting easier with the accomplishments I make because he was one of the first to congratulate, encourage, and ask me, what next? If all prayers could be answered, I would ask for an extra fifteen years for him. I think with that time, I would be strong enough to tell him goodbye.
Interesting fact is that I have been writing about grieving characters and when they get into my head, I get so tense, I fear I want to write my experience instead of writing theirs.
Little things like singing churchy songs make me cry. He loved singing-shouting, even though his voice was one of the worst, lol. But I enjoyed it. Sometimes, when I pray, I become speechless because he taught me to pray and I indirectly mirror his words. Okay, I think I need to stop this here because I’m crying already.
Oh, I recently read THE BOOK THIEF, and I was crying like a baby. Even had a dream about him where I woke up crying. For now, I’m staying off emotional reads. I understand better what it means for a book or story to be triggering. For me, I felt little while reading the book, it was when I was done reading and thinking my life through that it hit me what happened in that book. When I watch movies, I feel the scenes where characters grieve x100.
I spoke with a friend, who is a father of three, who lost his father eight years ago and he told me he still cries on remembrance days. What?! You mean to tell me I’ll be running to the closet to cry if I remember my dad? I don’t want to imagine what I’ll do when it’s time for my mom. Like, how did our parents do it? Hold that strong face while battling with grief for their parents, friends and family?
My dad was going to live forever.
I’ve tried journalling, but I struggle with words. I guess I’m gingerly facing my feelings by putting this here. This phase will pass, and maybe things will go back to normal?
Using the five stages of grief-denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance-I thinking I’m floating between stage four and five.
Maybe one day, I’ll share the story behind his death-he wasn’t sick, but was frustrated by the Lagos State Government. For now, this is all I can manage. Have you lost a dear one? How have you been coping?
